WARNING! The contents of this blog are for mature readers.
The writing may contain swearing, violence, drug use, and sexual situations.
please do not copy my writings without my permission.
All work is property of Dean Bloomfield unless otherwise stated.
~The Corvain Dagger~
Prologue
Corvain Year 292
Planetary summer
Planet 618825
(called Bon Chance by its inhabitants)
15 kilometres from Colony 7
(called
Unit 18 on life form control duty- Day 12
As for the question marks, I think something weird happened with the code when I pasted the story in from Word.
I LOVED this bit: According to grunt gossip whispered through the dust and exhaustion ... beautiful.
I got just a little tired of all the memories flooding back. At times it was a chore to remember the timeline.
Your disclaimer at the top said the blog could contain swear words, sexuality, etc. While I applaud your authentic dialogue I thought it a bit too clean for actual soldiers. When Netmender finally says "Whenever you're ready, Sarge" in my mind I heard one of his jeering comrades say "About fucking time!"
Excellent grammar and spelling. However the copyeditor in me couldn't help but notice: distain is spelled wrong. Should be disdain.
Keep it coming! Is Netmender claustrophobic? Does he just have a bad case of food poisoning? Or is he going insane?
Thank you very much for your time in reading my stuff.
And yes, I do want serious crits. How else am to get better? I definitely want feedback on the stories' flow and their ability to keep the reader interested.
Glad you liked the "according to group gossip..." part.
As for the bits where memories are popping up in the 'here-and-now', I was trying to create an atmosphere of disjointedness (did I spell that right?) and giving a small amount of background to the reader on Netmender's reason for being in the Corvain Army. Not too much mind you. Just a taste.
To tell you the truth, I was a little worried that his remembering was taking away from the tension in the story. I should probably write up an alternate version to see how it flows.
Seeing you write about the disclaimer is actually very funny to me. I wrote that there may be violence and swearing. There won't always be. I have some stories that are extremely brutal and vulgar that I plan on posting a little while. You are right, though, about the lack of grittyness in the soldiers jeering at Netmender. If you don't mind I would love to add in what you suggested in your crit.
Oh, by the way, I don't know if anyone noticed that people are named after their trade (or their parent's trade) before they joined up the army. I always thought that was something most people don't pay attention to. Not to say that poeople should be pigeon-holed because of their roots....I just thought it added a dimension to the overall story.
I understand the "taste" you were trying to give us as to Netmender's history. How else do you get us to feel for him and his plight? It was just at times I was confused. I thought it a little strange that memories would come floating back when he was so focused on the task at hand. Or supposed to be focused. But I get what you were trying to do, and you succeeded.
I like your idea of an alternate version. I think the story is enticing enough that the reader will stick with it even if there is little or no background on Netmender.
Of course you can use my suggestion, I'm flattered! You can dedicate the book to your editor, Heather LOL
I must admit I didn't catch the name thing til you mentioned it. I thought at first Netmender had something to do with the internet actually.